When should you kiss a girl?
Believe it or not, this must be one of the questions I get the most.
Here’s a simple answer to a trivial question: you and her should kiss when you both want to.
I know it seems almost too simplistic. Here are some things you may want to clarify. Then you’ll find out it is really that simple.
Do you want to?
It may seem like an odd question but after all, are you even charmed by her or are you just going after that kiss for validation? Flirting is a two-way road and should be seen as a game not a hassle. If the outcome becomes more important than the process, then chances are you are letting pressure get to you. You will start thinking way too much and lose sight of the essential: to share a good time together.
If you catch yourself being more absorbed by your inner monologue and trying to outsmart her, take a deep breath. You’re on a date, not sitting at the table of a chess master. This is important as you do not want to disconnect yourself from your emotions. Provided that you manage to put things in perspective and relax a little, your emotional state will be an indicator of how smoothly things are going.
No need to analyze and rationalize at this stage.
Most of what’s happening between the two of you happens at an implicit and pre-conceptual level. In a nutshell, what you should pay attention to is 1) how you feel 2) the non-verbal communication cues that you guys send to one another.
When your rational mind cuts you some slack you’ll be in a much better position to feel and express desire without as much as a word.
How do I know she wants it too?
You can never be completely sure. The best you can do is set the right condition for flirt and intimacy. The ability for instance to emote through story-telling, proximity or variations of your tone of voice will go a long way in this direction. As I said earlier, nonverbal signals will be more reliable than words themselves. It’s not what she says but how she says it:
Do you gaze into each other eyes?
Do you have a purely factual conversation delivered in non-emotional tones?
Does she keep her distance?
Does she seem distracted or fully present and engaged?
How does she react to compliments and innuendos?
What should I do if I miss the right moment?
Take it easy. It’s alright to miss what seemed to be a perfect opportunity. At least recognize that there was such an opportunity and you were able to . You will recognize it next time it happens. The only difference is that you will act upon it.
Better yet, you can recreate that moment.
Imagine you’re in club talking to this beautiful girl. At some point in the conversation, you lose track of what she’s saying. Words echo in your ears but you don’t really pay attention anymore. She suddenly seems a bit distracted too. You make eye contact for a brief moment and time stands still for a second or two. Alas, you fail to recognize that impulse in time and resume the interaction. A couple of minutes later, you’re still obsessing about this missed opportunity. Here’s what you can do. Rewind a minute or two and bring the both of you back to where you were when it happened.
“Do you remember when we were talking about ... a moment ago? You were talking and my mind drifting off for a second. All I could see was your eyes, your lips.. I just stood there. All I wanted to do was this…”
“Wait. Do you remember when we were talking about (...) There was this split second when nothing seemed to exist outside of you, talking, your eyes gazing into mine and me wanting to do this…”
Recreating the conditions of that magic moment works wonders because
1) it puts you and her back in that state 2) it lets you verbalize what you had in mind and what you felt.
If you feel that she wanted you to kiss her two minutes ago, she probably wants it just as much two minutes later. So don’t obsess about how perfect the moment is and dare to recreate it if necessary.
What do I do if she refuses?
It is the fear of embarrassment and rejection that keep so many men from daring to make a move. It can be nerve racking to imagine a situation that we wouldn’t know how to handle. Try visualizing what would most likely happen. Maybe she’d feel embarrassed too and you could eventually both laugh it off. Put things in perspective: it won’t kill you and you will feel ten times better for trying than not trying.
Regrets are a slow but potent poison. You have the antidote: action.
I remember a client who got rejected by a girl he had just tried to smooch. Much to his surprise, he couldn’t help but smile. At long last, he had dared to make a move and was simply elated, regardless of the outcome. She asked him:
- Why are you smiling?
- I’m not sure. All I know is I would have kicked myself for not trying. I think you’re gorgeous.
- Thank you
- Did you ever make the first move and got rejected?
- No! That’s my biggest scare. I have wanted to at times but never dared.
- Alright, so that would be your new challenge. If sometime tonight you feel like kissing me, it will be your turn to initiate. When the person reciprocates, it’s like walking on cloud 9. You should try once.
They gazed at each other for a moment and smiled. She kissed him.
This anecdote is revealing. It shows that initial rejection can be counterbalanced by how gracefully you accept it. Do not take things too seriously. Life’s hard enough as it is so keep flirting light, fun and casual.