A great first date (Part 1)

You just talked to her on the phone and she gladly accepted your invitation to go out for a drink next Wednesday. It seems you have done a lot of things right so far. In this series of articles, you learn how to make the best out of a first date. This week we'll start with adopting the right state of state of mind and picking the best place.

Your state of mind on a first date

First and foremost, I assume you have made a strong and positive first impression, hence she wants to see you again. Knowing this should be enough for you to go to that first date in the best of moods: after all, that pretty girl does want to see you. So if all go well between you two; this could be a very pleasurable moment and even the start of a relationship.

That’s the first very important point I want to stress in this article: if she accepts the date, your job consists in not messing up the opportunity. At this point, you are an offensive player in front of an open goal: it should go swimmingly… unless you trip over the ball or miss the frame of course. 

Better still: there’s no guarantee that YOU are going to like her. Most guys I coach have developed a tendency to rush to a date with the thought firmly planted in their mind that they have to “get the girl”. The way I see it, a date is a two-way-road: attraction has to be mutual for anything to happen. Some compare dating to job hunting, and there are indeed some similarities. Successful career management implies that you want to find the job that suits your skills, personality and ambitions; not just any job in any company. Similarly, on a first date, you are just as much as a chooser as she is. In fact, that pretty brunette you met briefly at Starbucks last week might turn out to be annoying, full of herself, narrow-minded and a chain smoker. First impressions are important but they can also be deceptive so don’t put too much pressure on yourself. After all, you are just going there to find out who the girl really is and how much fun you two can have in each other’s presence. 

That’s what it boils down to: having a good time together. Does that mean you should be heading for the nearest theme-park, concert-hall or movie theater in search for entertainment on your first date? Absolutely not! I am a firm believer that the best first dates are the ones where you can just sit down in a café and talk for a couple of hours. This should be enough to make it a memorable and enjoyable moment leading to hot steamy sex most times than not. By the way, let me insist on the fact that a date is meant to be a one-on-one exercise; it’s rarely a good sign if she brings a friend along.

No Cinema, No Restaurant (repeat after me)

So where should you go? Watching a movie for two hours means you’re not having any kind of conversation for two thirds of the date. Going for dinner is way too formal, expensive and telegraphs too much interest straight off the bat. Not only that but you will have to eat while the other is talking and vice-versa… Also, you will break eye-contact every time you look into your plate. Besides, in a restaurant you will be sitting on opposite sides of a table with no chance to kiss or touch until you leave. In short, and for all the aforementioned reasons, the most traditional first-date idea is also one of the worst. Yet, a man desperate for sexual intercourse is more than likely to fall for that outmoded and uneffective way of wooing his date. As a matter of fact, 70% of aroused men would take their date to a fancy restaurant to increase their chance of having sex with her (Arielly, Lowenstein, 2005) Unnecessary and antiquated at best, unless you do it because you're a gourmet of course.

I have had some unconventionnal or crazy dates but the truth is until you can make a two hours conversation in a bar exciting for both, you'll probably have to work on your dating skills anyway. So don't wreck your brains trying to find something entertaining and different to do just now. You'll have plenty of time to do that with her at a later stage.

How do you pick the right place for a first date?

For now, choose a comfortable cocktail bar where you have already been a couple of times; that way you’ll avoid unpleasant surprises. Do not try to impress by taking her out to the most expensive and posh place in town if you can’t afford it. She will sense that something is off and it will generate some awkward moments. 

Here are a couple of things I suggest you keep in mind:

- Safe neighborhood: If she shows up in a short skirt and stiletto heels in the worst part of town, she will not be particularly relaxed throughout the date. Also, find a place that’s close enough to your place so you can head for a night cap afterwards. 

- Decibels: Will you be able to hear each other or is there a loudspeaker blasting just over your head? Find a quiet place with just enough background music to cover unpleasant noises and other conversations.

- Lighting: Nothing kills romance like neon lights, prefer bars that are dimly lit.

- Keeping friends at bay: Don’t bring her to the place where all of your rugby buddies hang out. 

If you live in Paris or Amsterdam, I will shortly post a selection of some great bars you can choose from. 

Perfect timing: a week night

Finally, I will answer those of you who are still hesitant about WHEN the first date should take place. First, I think night-time is always better as it allows us to free ourselves from certain inhibitions and social rules applicable to daytime. For instance, most people would not consider drinking liquor on a weekday afternoon while they would find it perfectly acceptable only a few hours later. Keep your week-end for partying or  meeting up with your friends. Provided that you're going out on these nights, you will easily rack up a few phone numbers on Friday and Saturday. You can then meet these girls for first dates during week days. Just remember to give yourself a night-off when it starts feeling like a full-time job...

Stay tuned for Part 2 of our article about First dates and share your questions and comments.