Stuck in the Friend Zone

It usually starts as a casual conversation with a colleague or a classmate you find attractive. In any case, she’s frequently someone from your close social circle already. You keep spending more and more time in her company and you interpret this as a sign of interest. As time passes, you start convincing yourself that she might be The One.

Unfortunately, when you finally muster enough courage to make your move, she looks at you with a mix of pity and utter disgust. It is then a matter of seconds before you hear something like: “Oh no, I see you more as a friend” or any variation on that theme such as: “You’re a great guy but I wouldn’t want to ruin our friendship.”

The first thought that will cross your mind at that point will probably appear in flashing red capital letters: “GAME OVER.”

How to avoid getting stuck in the Friend Zone.

I wish I had a more pleasant way of breaking the news but when you are in the Friend Zone and you struck out on your first attempt the chances of recovery are slim at best. The reason is that you created a sense of trust and familiarity that was devoid of any kind of sexual tension. You agreed to everything she said, met her all the time and became her confident.
If you could erase and rewind, you would make yourself a bit more scarce and meet her one-on-one rather than at school, at the office or around friends. Also, you’d sexualize your conversations from the get-go.
Unfortunately, you don’t have a time machine and driving a DeLorean at 88Mph won’t bring you back to a simpler time. So what should you do?

First, don’t panic. Friend Zones are more unstable than quicksand and if you try to pull yourself out, you’ll only sink an inch deeper. Sending a love letter or a bunch of flowers the next day will only make things worse. If it’s not too late i.e. if you haven’t made a fool of yourself by declaring your flame yet it may be time to do something drastic and counter-intuitive. In fact, if you have reasons to believe that she sees you as a friend, be the first to offer to “just be friends”.

Quite a few times, this preemptive strategy worked wonders when I found myself treading on these dangerous and deceptive grounds. Actually, in more than one instance it initiated a night of steamy sex.

-    You’ve become a real friend Sarah. I sometimes feel as though as I have known you for ages and it’s reassuring to know this can happen between a man and a woman. Let’s just never even think of having sex together. It always makes things more difficult. Can you promise me that?

Of course you’re bluffing. Prepare yourself for the fact that she might enthusiastically accept the deal. Embrace it! There are great advantages to being friends with her.

The advantages of the Friend Zone

First ask yourself if you’ve really become friends or if she’s merely tolerating you in order to not hurt your feelings. Does she treat you with respect? Is she introducing you to her other friends? Are you having good times together or is it just awkward and contrived?

If you have reasons to believe that she can make a nice addition to your circle of friends, then it’s great news. You might not see it like this just now so let me list you some of the advantages of having a female friend.

-    Friendship, regardless of the gender, contributes to your well-being. You have a great girl to spend time with whether it’s for fun times together or to lessen each other burden through rough times.

-    Preselection: other girls will see you as a guy that can connect with women. Rightfully so: most guys are usually too boring or too proud to include women in their life and truly bond with them.

-    Knowing women: You will learn a lot from hearing a girl’s perspective on things and will get to meet her friends. You’re not stuck behind enemy lines; you’re just including the representatives of the other half of Humanity into your life.

The disadvantage of being in the Friend Zone

Your friend is not a consolation prize or a surrogate girlfriend. Just because you struck out with her doesn’t mean you’re going to wait for her to change her mind. This might never happen, especially if you wait patiently. Keep creating dating-opportunities, meet other girls and while it would be perceived as a cheap payback to rub it in her face constantly, do mention it if and when you met a girl you’re fond of. Be open about what goes on in that department of your life: after all, she’s your friend, right? This is a two way street: it would be unfair of you to frown or act jealous when she talks about this attractive guy she had dinner with.

So now, you’ve slept with her

It happened when you least expected it. Maybe the stars aligned or you both got drunk: it happened anyway. One thing you could do is get carried away. You could smother her with attentions and keep repeating how much and how long you had been waiting for this moment to happen. Are you sure it’s a good idea? This sounds to me like a return ticket to the Friend Zone.

Use a little bit of patience and let her time to get used to the idea before she starts regretting it. If you become a totally different person, you’ll give off the message that you had just been waiting all that time. This will shed a totally different light on the friendship you’ve had so far. So stay true to yourself and let this new relationship run its course.

If it was in the heat of the moment and neither of you wants to commit and form a couple, it’s absolutely fine too. Having sex with a friend doesn’t have to be the end of your friendship. It can be something you both look back on fondly. Don’t dwell on it or make it a heavy subject of conversation. Simply acknowledge that you had a great time and make sure she doesn’t feel like she’s been used.

It could happen again but be aware that if you make it a habit, the nature of your friendship WILL change. For better or for worse: I don’t have a crystal ball. If you did find out an incredible sexual chemistry though, it will be hard to keep your hands off of each others. That’s when you become Friends-With-Benefits. It can be a wonderful experience if expectations are clear on both sides. This will be the topic of an upcoming article.

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