Personal Development : Why interactions are essential to our well-being

What are the drivers of our well-being ?

What makes us consider a situation pleasant?

Which are the elements determining the “value” of our interactions?

The point of this article is not to micro-analyze every situation. Rather, I suggest we find out what makes the best episodes of our lives so enjoyable. Imagine you are walking doan the street, the sun is shining and Spring is in the air. You took a day-off and to make things even better you received a sizable bonus from your employer. As you walk past a terrace, a pretty girl smiles at you and makes eye contact.

The Strokes and the interaction

Comment vous sentez-vous à ce moment là? Quels sont les éléments qui font de cette situation un moment attrayant voire attirant?

How do you feel in that particular moment? What makes this situation so exciting and pleasurable?

Is it the environment? The context maybe: it is a sunny day and you do not have to work or study. Or maybe it is that second of eye-contact with that pretty girl at the café. Guess what: all of he aforementioned elements combine into making this a damn good moment. Right here, right now. While the environmental factors are quite easy to identify, understanding our social interactions can prove a bit trickier. In fact, these interactions are essential in making each life situation positive or negative.

Eric Berne uses the word « stroke » which has a dual meaning : it can be either a caress or a punch. Therefore, this expression perfectly describes the signals that we send and receives in our interactions.

Not only we need these signals, but we tend to unconsciously adopt certain behaviours in order to receive our “daily dose” of stokes. The need can be so intense that we sometimes prefer to receive negatives stimulations (physical or psychological blows) rather than no stimulation at all.

In our example, we received a smile and a flirty glance, which are positive signs. Hence, we evaluate the situation a pleasant. Now, imagine a girl smiling happily after you tripped over or fell off your bike. Would you still consider this a positive stroke?

The stroke : psychological calorie

French Psychologist René De Lassus uses the term calorie in his book on Transaction Analysis. This comparison illustrates the fact that strokes are the fuel of our relational engine. It also provides a splendid transition to the notion of energetic batteries which I presented in a previous article.

Our body needs calories in order to function. Similarly, our emotional and mental ego are running on strokes. Just as our body can survive without food a while, we can temporarily live without strokes. Some people however, are bulimic for strokes and will look after these at all times.

Understanding which type of strokes gives us the most satisfaction is very important. Indeed, we invest considerable efforts into giving and receiving them. So, identifying our “favourite” strokes is a significant towards a better understanding ourselves and the way we manage our relationships.

Let us first consider their intensity: a make-out session will be as positively intense as a slap in the face will be negative. So the quality of the strokes you give or receive is crucial.

It would not be fair of me to judge or rank these strokes. It is a very subjective and personal matter. I can only invite you to reflect on which signals will have a positive or negative impact on you and on others.

The negative ones will drain your emotional batteries whereas the positive ones will replenish them. Walking down the street, arguing with your boss, fighting, kissing or making love… The list is endless and the only limit is your imagination.

Ulysse

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