Include women in your life: Preselection and Attraction

Today is one of these lazy November days that are so perfect for a cup of coffee with a good friend. Granted, the weather is crap and one would be hard pressed to even see a silver lining in this dark grey sky. Yet, beauty and warmth seem to radiate when you put your mind at it. So, we talked about life, love, shared hopes and dreams. As my friend was explaining how seemingly impossible it appears to snatch herself a great man, I started to wonder:

Are all great men already in relationships? …Or is precisely because they are already in relationships and, hence preselected, that they seem so attractive to single women looking for Mr. Right?

As I asked her where and when she had last been approached, my friend went on to explain that she sees guys that hit on her in clubs and bars merely as ‘leftovers’ of the dating scene. In other words, if a guy is out in town on a Saturday night, it suggests that he doesn’t have a girlfriend and is only looking for a quick roll in the hay for lack of any better option. The good ones are at home with their beautiful and intelligent girlfriend watching a movie and having great sex. With that thought firmly planted in mind, she and her friends go out to clubs and bars merely to have fun or occasionally, to meet someone for short-lived encounters. My friend is not the exception: most girls even or especially the ones craving for a great relationship do not believe they can meet their match in a nightclub.

At first glance, this seems to be painting quite a bleak picture for single guys hitting the nightclubs in the hopes of meeting girls. If women believe only “leftovers” and horny losers can be met on a dancefloor, what can you possibly do to set yourself apart and prove them wrong?

Before we get into this, let’s make sure you do not fall in the same trap and follow a similar Manichean reasoning: good girls stay home and watch movies with their significant other, while the slutty ones strut their stuff on the dancefloor. Generalizations are dead-ends, and surely blowing some steam at the end of a long work week does not indicate anything about someone’s moral constitution or ability to establish a meaningful long-term relationship.

Having made that clear, let’s answer this nagging question: how do I not appear like a desperate horny loser looking for a quick lay?

This will sound like circular reasoning: girls are attracted to guys that girls find attractive. I remember coming across a similar argument many years ago in a Milan Kundera’s novel* which I read on a night train back from a long-distance lover on the other side of France. “Beautiful women are not looking for beautiful men. They are looking for men who had beautiful women.” I was seventeen and clueless so I just frowned for a few minutes and resumed my reading. It’s only much later that I got to the bottom of this. Let me share it with you: if they see you with other girls, they will assume you are a great catch.

Walk into any public place with a couple of pretty girls and experience how instantly more noticeable and attractive you have just become. Now, don’t get me wrong: I am not even saying you should be dating or sleeping with any of these girls. They can be friends, flat mates, fellow students or colleagues, it doesn’t matter. You will become more attractive as soon as you are seen having a good time with a couple of female friends.

The reasons behind this are simple. First, if girls seek your presence, others assume that there is something about you, some quality they too would like to discover. Second, if you have women in your life, chances are you are not desperate to get laid. It’s not a wild leap of the imagination to think that a man who hangs out with pretty women sleeps with one of them.

As for you, your self-image and confidence will sky-rocket as you notice that shift of perception in the eyes of women around you. From that point on, including the girls at the next table in the conversation you are having with your friends will be a breeze. 

Moreover, hanging out with women and discussing relationships, dating and fashion from a female perspective will provide you with a wealth of information and insights which will prove valuable during dates. You may want to skip watching yet another Football game with your pals and sit through a few episodes of Sex & The City in the company of your flat mate and her friends. Their comments and ensuing conversations are usually golden. On top of that, casually mentioning an anecdote involving your best friend Agnes or Sarah will subtly convey that same notion of preselection we have discussed thus far.

In short, one sure way to avoid being labeled as just another pathetic sex-craved bloke looking for a one-night-stand is to include women in your social life. Forming friendships with the fair sex will not only give you a definite advantage when going out, but it will also benefit your dating life in the long-run as it will enrich your understanding of love, sex and relationships. I believe this goes far beyond dating strategies. This isn’t just another page in your book of tricks but a major step towards adopting a more fulfilling lifestyle and getting the best out of your social interactions.

Incidentally, you will have someone to go for coffee with on a rainy November afternoon. 

*Milan Kundera (1978), The Book of Laughter and Forgetting

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