How to sexualize a conversation

One of the most common sticky points of my clients is their inability to sexualize their conversations with women. In fact, if you believe that friendly conversation about your respective jobs or studies will be enough to trigger an irresistible desire to rip your shirt off, you just came across the article that is going to spice up your approaches and your dates. Follow the guide.

First, what does one mean by “sexualizing a conversation” and does it simply mean talking about sex?

Actually, talking about sex has become as mundane as talking about the weather. Just open any women magazine and you will realize the subject is not at all taboo. Yet, simply asking her what her favourite position is will not always cut it.Why not? Because sexualizing the conversation, as opposed to merely talking about sex, implies that you’re building up a sexual tension which already prefigures the actual sexual intercourse. The qualities you display during the conversation are indeed no more and no less than the qualities she will be looking in a good lover: initiative, ability to surprise her and make her feel strong emotions. In that sense, the introverted accountant that sticks to a purely factual conversation has just as much chance of ending a first date on a long sensual make-out session than he has of winning the lottery twice in a row… only because he failed to generate the emotions and sensations that lead to physical contact and intimacy.Think of it as verbal foreplay.

How do you do that and what do you talk about?

I will give you a simple rule: you can consider that a conversation is sexually-loaded as soon as that same conversation would seem totally inappropriate and out-of-place in a professional or family environment or with another straight man.
 For instance,  I could ask a girl something as harmless and random as : « What do you like best : eating chocolate or listening to music?» In doing so, I am sexualizing the conversation by simply coming up with such a random question, by evoking pleasant sensations but also by using a certain  tone of voice and maintaining eye-contact. Yet, I am not talking about sex. Easy, right ? Have fun experimenting and try to come up with similar questions that will give you both a break from the dreaded ‘job-interview’ date.  If you cannot come up with anything, grab any issue of Cosmopolitan in a waiting room and head straight for the Psycho-quiz or whatever they call it.  « String or panties? » or « What’s the favourite part of your anatomy? » are just another couple of fun questions to try out. At least, you will break out of the factual conversation and create a reaction and establish a more playful exchange. Most of all, you are making her use her imagination. Now she’s wondering whether she prefers eating almond chocolate while watching Grey’s Anatomy on a Monday night or listening to Katie Melhua in her underwear while sipping a cup of green tea on a Sunday morning. In other words, she is briefly revisiting moments of pleasure. Then again, if you think it is a better idea to compare your pension plans or talk about work…

Initiating this type of communication will make everything easier as it allows a more spontaneous interaction and creates a playful atmosphere.
How do you sexualize a conversation about a subject that would initially appear as quite dull and serious? Here’s an example that brings us back a few years at the terrace of bar in Amsterdam:

Me: So, What is it going to be: Yes or No?
Her: Well, now that you’re already sitting at the table, it’s a little bit too late to ask…
Me: No, I meant… about Sunday’s referendum.
Her: Is there really a referendum on sunday?
Me: I believe so, and in all of Europe actually.
Her:: Ooooh I see! Here it will be on wednesday
Me: So, are you going to vote ‘Yes’ or ‘No’?
Her: I am not sure yet, I think ‘yes’ but with a question mark, you see ?
Me: No, what I see is that if you add a question mark to your vote, they’ll count your vote as invalid.
Her: *laughs*
Me: Because you see, the point of the exercise is to answer ‘Yes’ or ‘No’, not ‘Maybe’ or ‘I don’t know’. I pity the poor guy that will marry you. « Do you take this man to be your lawfully welded husband ? » …And you’d go : « Yes, but between brackets and a question mark, ‘cause I’m actually not so sure. »
Her: *laughs*
Me: Do you like strawberries?
Her: Yes
Me: You see : there should be special referendums for cute blondes… with simple questions
Her: Heeey, piss off ! *laughs / playful tap on my arm*
Me: Remind me to buy whipped cream…

If you want to be any good at this and sound convincing, start with being at ease with your own sexuality. Embrace your desires. Why even attempt to conceal the fact that you’re merely human: flesh and blood with a libido like we all do. Express it, it is a tremendous source of energy and inspiration. And rest assured that women are just as sexual as man. In France alone, there are 12 million singles and 6 million people use sex-toys on a regular basis. Not bad for a population of 60 million. You do the math. Let’s get back to our sexualized conversation, shall we? If you are able to create a playful atmosphere and evoke sensual images without even talking explicitly about sex, you are already miles ahead of nice guys who engage into sedative play-by-play description of their day at the office. Now, remember that your ability to show a strong sense of initiative and build up sexual tension is the first quality of a good lover. Your conversation should inevitably heat up.

In order to achieve this, there is no better way than to tell a short story. Do it with passion and use the exact same words and gestures you would use if you were telling her your wildest fantasy. Let’s take an example. I play in a rock band and if you make me talk about our latest concert to a girl I fancy, you’d have to pay me a fortune if you want me to stick to a dull descriptive narration. “Our last concert in Spain was great. It was an outdoor concert with a couple hundred people in the crowd. Then, we partied all night, it was fun.” Too generic, hence boring.

Now I could be describing the excitement of going onstage, the brotherly embrace of my fellow musicians to give each other courage and energy, the scorching heat of the spotlight, the sweat drops pouring out of my body on a hot Spanish night, my dusty red boots and how I like closing my eyes to feel the audience closer. All these little elements will ensure that I am talking to her imagination and instincts rather than to her logic.

Paradoxically, and because we do not socialize exactly in the same way as bonobos,  even the most sexualized conversations will leave no doubt about the fact that you are not sexually starved. You are playful, sensual but you do not come over as a guy that did not touch a woman for ages. Needs are the death of desire. To further understand this distinction between what you need and you desire, I suggest that you read Lorenzo’s upcoming article on the subject.

Furthermore, don’t think for a second that this sort of story can be told with a shy, monotonous voice and fidgeting hands. You are going to live this story and you are going to take tremendous pleasure sharing exciting memories. During my workshops and Masterclasses I always insist on body-language because delivery is key. Keep in mind that we are not here in a purely intellectual dimension but rather in the realm of emotion and sensation therefore what you say matters less than how you say it.

Jean-Baptiste

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