How to mess up a first date (Part 1)

“We’re half way there.” Jon Bon Jovi

To be honest, I cannot recall the last time I messed up a first date.

Not because I am some kind of dating superman but mostly because I don’t worry the least bit about the outcome of the said date. I go on a date without any expectations other than having a pleasant time. Anyone who’s not in constant search for validation appears a lot more attractive.

And what more do you want?

She came to the date. If she was not interested at all she would have found ways to say ‘no’ BEFORE the date.

Remember that when your date shows up, your job is simply to NOT mess it up.

I did some research and a bit of thinking in order to come up with a magic method that will result in a staggering 100% failure rate. You read it well, I can guarantee that if you do two or more of the things listed below, you will NOT get a second date.

Here’s a non exhaustive list of 10 things you can do if you want to mess up your date:

1. Lose all sense of hygiene or fashion

Looks matter.

Be careful: even if you don’t look like Brad Pitt or have the body of a Calvin Klein underwear model, a keen sense of fashion can really make you look attractive.

Make sure your choice of outfit is either over the top, mismatched or dated.

A good tip is to shop for clothes that are a size or two too large for you. This is especially true for shirts: when sleeves are too long and it falls a bit at the shoulders, you’ll look either like an old man or a kid dressed by his mother. Your date should be quite unimpressed. Jeans are a no-brainer: go for a light wash. If you want to put all chances on your side, Football jerseys or t-shirts with funny macho logos are a sure way to go.

Yet, all these efforts can be ruined by a good sense of hygiene and a pleasant scent. So refrain from showering for a couple of days prior to your date, it should help.

2. Act nervous

Act nervous at all times. Build up some apprehension on your way to the date. Rehearse mentally the many that can go wrong in order to increase their likelihood. When you’re done with mental preparation, the odds of success should be one in a million.

Practically, this will cause you to fidget with anything that’s on the table. Smiling may have a relaxing effect and lead to more fluid conversations so refrain. You will also find that maintaining eye-contact might create a certain level of intimacy and again, cause you to relax. So make sure you look at your drink, or at your shoes, a lot.

As for the conversation itself, make sure you leave enough room for awkward silences. You may want to verbalize the emotion you’re experiencing but this may be counter-productive. Once you acknowledge it and tell her you feel a bit shy or intimidated by the situation, she may try to help you or say that she feels the same. This would create some sort of a bond and that’s not what you want.

3. Keep the conversation purely factual.

If you followed the first piece of advice, this should come easy. You will notice that the more nervous you get, the less prone you become to using your imagination. If you want to be sure that you don’t step out of line and start asking interesting questions, you may want to prepare a list boring factual questions to ask her during the date.This should eradicate any form of spontaneity and help you fail.

How old are you?

What do you do for a living?

Where were you born?

Do you own a car?

Have you ever been married?

Notice that all of these questions can be answered in very few words. These are closed questions as opposed to open questions starting by: “what, why, how, describe”. Choose closed questions so that the conversation doesn’t take an unexpected turn and God forbids, becomes captivating.

Similarly, make sure you keep your answers brief and to the point, don’t elaborate or take the exchange to any new subject.

4. Worship her
(that way, she’ll feel like she has nothing to do to deserve you)

Worshipping her consistently throughout the date should prevent any romance from blooming between the two of you. Beware: some women appreciate a fair share of attention and some are even suckers for compliments. Just act as if she were some sort of deity or the last woman on the planet.

A friend of mine reported an interesting behavior from a guy she had lunch with recently: he would not take a bite of his sandwich for as long as she was talking. He just sat there frozen waiting eagerly for the next word to come out of her. This is perfect.

Hold doors, move chairs out of her way, offer your help for every little thing. For instance, if you have good IT skills, mention that you can help her reinstall her Operating System anytime. This is the kind of skills that women find VERY unimpressive.

5. Reveal Low self esteem, and apathy

If you’ve decided to put her on a pedestal, make sure you never miss a chance to bring yourself down. Any achievement will be rapidly undermined:

“I won a chess competition once. But that was a long time ago, I don’t play anymore. I find the competitive aspect of chess too stressful.”

“I went to China last year. But it was for work and I didn’t really go out of the room because I am quite happy to just be lazy and watch TV.”

Notice how every nugget of information about you, every little story reveals one or more unattractive aspect of your personality. An easy way to stay on track with this one is to punctuate the conversation with “I don’t really care.” “It’s not too bad.” “I have seen worse.”

Remember: apathy kills attraction.

Continue to part 2